5 Facts About Wealthy Expats In Bermy

So YAH,

1 subject dat comes up a lot in Bermy is de role & valu of foreign workerz in R society. In termz of controversey, its a topic dat getz hotter deyn my boy Syringe-Pie wheyn he pourz a gallon of Black direcly in hiz leff eye socket once per yurr 2 get outta de regiment. Wutever u think of wealthy expats, hurr are 5 intriguin facts about deym that I bet u nevah knew B4:

1) They All Legally Change Their Names Upon First Entering Bermuda

Most ppl are undah de false impresssion dat “expat” stands 4 “expatriate”, but dis is so far from d truth dat it makez me furious wheyn I hear guyz perpetuating de lie. D reason dey’re calld “expats” is bcuz literallly erry single 1 of dem used 2 be named “Pat”, but were forced by D Bermy Govermint 2 change deir namez upon entryy (for reazons unknown, but probly 2 do wif a well-funded lobby of angry, jeealous local Grennies named Pat).

2) They’re Delicious

Did u kno dat much liyke lionfish n feral chickenz, it’s compleetely legal 2 huntt and eat wealfy expats under Section 31, Article 7 of d Bermy criminl code? Um serrs, dun! Tho some ppl will argue dat it’s psychotic and discriminitory 2 cull a groop of human beingz based on their immigraytion status, consumin guest workerz is ac2ally a compassionite way 2 keep deir numbaz down and ensurre a balancd ecosystem 4 alll of us. Put it dis way: Hav u ever seen wut happens 2 expats wheyn dere R too many of deym on d island at 1 given time? They’re Cruelly forcd into cramped wine barz which hav worse conditionz deyn most industrial chickn farmz, where dey have no choice but 2 eat second-rate caviar as opposd to Beluga. Dis is unacceptible by Geneva Code standardz, and we az Bermewjans owe it 2 our guestt workerz 2 ensure dat dey nevah live in harsh, ovacrowded conishins (via eatingg them).

3) They’re All Clones Of Each Other

Hav u ever noticed dat litrally erry single expat in Bermy is a cleen-shaven thirty-somefin man wearin a blazer wif a glasss of wine in hiz hand? D reazon 4 dis is bcuz of a CIA-sponsored cloning program dat sought to inject Bermy wif a influx of soulless yuppiez 4 purposes of boostin de finanshal sector post-2008 recccession. U may be thinkin 2 yurself “Wait a minute, Clafe. I’m almost certain I’ve seen female expats before?” Well, u wuld be mistaken and R probly havin regulr hallucinationz, so I recommend u go C ya docta B4 u shoot down my well-reserched and peer-revewed theoryy.

4) They Can Double As Household Tools

Need 2 kleen ya floor but duneen hav a mop? Go 2 ur nearest reinsurrance or finanshal services company, pick a expat at random, deyn bring him bak 2 ya yard and dump hiz head in a buckit of cleanin solution. What u’ll find is dat not only will he be compleetely okay wif de wholle situastion (all expatz respeck local tradishins), but hiz head will ac2ally be 84% more effectiv at removin dirt than a averag industrial mop. Expats also genuinely enjoy bein uzed as sledgehammerz, so if u have a wall dat needz 2 be knockd down at ya Grenny’s house, u can pick one of dem up by d legs an bring itt dahn in 1 fell swoop, buh!

5) They All Support The PLP

Dis 1 may surprise u, but hurr me out. U c, 100% of Bermuda’z expats happen 2 B sadomasochistic pain junkies who R sexully aroused by animosity bein direccted towards dem. 4 dis reazon, dey secretly fund de PLP thru an anonymoos Super-PAC called “Mugeigners”. Contrary 2 wut most PPL think, de local expat populayshin was DEVASTATED wheyn de OBA won de 2012 elackshun, as dey feared they’d nevah be hated againn! Their dissapointmint didnt last 2 long, tho…Wheyn de OBA abolishd term limitz back in Jan. 2013, de expats live-streamed footage of de resulting march on parliamint (bigups guy in d green shirt) and had a mossive sex party in Tucker’s Town to accompanyy it. Sigmund Freud wuld B like “Oh cha, dun!”