5 New Road Safety Rules Passed By The OBA

Erryone knows that de OBA is tired as a jook-jook bird eatin a Grenny sandwich, but did u know dat they recently passed a bunch o Roady Safety laws behind closed doorz that wil forever chaynge our drivin landscape? As a result of deez changez, u are now legally obligated 2:

1. Stop Your Car In The Middle Of The Reid Street During Rush Hour And Talk To Your Bredren, Even If You Don’t Know Them.

Erry1 does this anywayz, but now its de law, dun. Only differenc is that unda de new legislaton, if none a ya bredrens are around, u have 2 pick the closest person 2 ya car at de time and automaticlly become best bredrens for life, even if dey happen to be sum1 u know is already mug. 2 ensure dat u r following de law, a Bredren Inspector from de Dept. Of Bredrenization will make randomm visits to ya yard 2 ensure u bies are flexin on a regula basis. If ya not, de inspecta will punch u in de throat on sight n sentence u 2 seven yurrs tied to a mug buoy sumwhurr in de Pacific Ocean.

2. Use The Third Lane On East Broadway To Create A “Bike Sandwich” That Eventually Rips Your Arms Off

Erry time ya on a bike and u see 2 cars drivin parallel 2 each otha on east broadway, de law states u now hav 2 drive direcly in between dem, smash bofe of their backseet windows wif ur elbows, hold on 2 each car wif ur respectivly bloody arms while screeming “OH CHOOKS”, den voluntarily let ur arms get torn off when one bredren goez east towards hospital and de otha goes Harbour Road at de roundabout. Ya arms wil be donated 2 homeless canibbals in Finland, n Govermint will compensate u wif a mouldy beef sandwich 4 ya trouble.

3. Drink Until You Pass Out When Eating At A Restaurant (To Combat Drunk Driving)

Unde de new laws, If ya plannin on havin a couple drinks when ya out at a restraunt, u now hav 2 change dat “couple” to a legal minimmum of 43 so that u pass de out b4 u even get de oppurtunity 2 drive drunk. De 43-minimmum law will be strictlly enforced, too: if u happen 2 pass out b4 ya 43rd beverage, whoeva else if wif u has to keep funneling drinks dahn ya throat while ya lyin unconscious n half-dead on de floor. When axed about d possibility of dis leading 2 mass alcohol poisoning, Premier Dunklee gave reporters a blank stare theyn lit a cigar wif a speedboat.

4. Have A Grenny In Your Car With You At All Times

Grennies r known 2 be safe n responsible, n de OBA hopez dat forcin u 2 have one in ya car all de time will mayke dem nag you about going 2 fast, even if ya only goin like 30kph. Since erry1’s grenny isn’t still wif us (may all deceesed grennies RIP), it iz now legal 2 kidnap any grenny u happen to see in de street n be like “AY, YA A BOASTY GRENNY AND I NEED U RIDE WIF ME, BUH” (as long as u recite thosse exact wordz). Wheyn de Human Rights Commission tried 2 tell Transport Minister Sean Crockwell dat this law wuz cruel, personally invasive n utterlly deranged, he wuz like “Ay dun, look over there!”, theyn dove head-1st thru a playte glass window n hid behind a gurt rock until dey went away.

5. Teach Your Children That Their Bikes Will Come Alive And Eat Them If They Drive Irresponsibly

No mattah how intellignent ur child may be, u r now legallly obligated 2 tell dem that if dey drive recklesssly, their bikez will grow a diseazed mouf wif jagged teeth n eat dem 2 death slowly n painfully. 2 support dis initiative, de OBA haz releesed an all-agez children’z book called “Your Bike Is A Mug Horrendous Monster That Will Kill You If You Drive Like a C#$%” n released it at retailerz island-wide. At de book-launch partyy, Premier Dunklee said “I wish I’d had a learning resource like this as a child, because then I would have had incentive not to drive directly into limestone walls for fun like I did for years and years”. Unda de new law, if u fail to tell your child dat their bike will eat dem, de OBA will send a banshee 2 ya house dat will scream directly in2 ya ear the minute ur about to fall asleep evry night 4 de rest of ur life.