5 Ways To Protect Your Bermuda Day Parade Spot

When it comes 2 watchin de Bermuda Day parade, guyz get more protective about their spots than Bob Richerds wif an AECON contract. If u walk thru town right now, you’ll see pure pieces of tape on de sidewalk wif names like “Gibbons”, “Burrows”, “Gruntilda”, “Ace Grenny”, “Shumpy” and “Steve” written on dem, an it’s an unwritten Bermudian rule dat u gotta respect de space of whoeva puts their tape dahn first.

BUT what if some tired bredren iz like “F@#% this, dun! I’m mug!”, and decides 2 steal ya spot anyway? Iz a measly little piece of tape gunna protect u? No. It’s every man 4 himself out dere, and sometimes u hav 2 take drastic measures to make sure dat ur piece of sidewalk is safe. Here are 5 tried n true methods 4 protectin ya spot:

1. Borrow A Wormhole From Your Ace Boy

If there’s 1 thing um noticed about Bermudians, its dat we guyz always have spare wormholes lyin around de house dat can bend space-time an fundamentaly create shortcutz between diffrent universes. Go up to ya bredren’s yard and be like “Ay buh, maaaaaaaaaaahhhhh a wormhole, pliss!”, and when he givez it 2 you,set it up on ya spot. If any1 tries 2 take ya tape off, they will instantly B sucked into de wormhole and transported 2 some mug galaxy whurr erry1 is mayde of cheese and all Grennies eat cinder blocks 4 sustinence.

2. Use Reverse Psychology To Make People Think Your Spot Is Mug

This 1 is very time-consuming, but effectiv as chooks. For ten dayz leading up 2 de parade, stand on ur spot and scream at it in public for 7 hourz a day. Shout thingz like “WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MUG SPOT?” and “YOURE THE DUMBEST SLAB OF CONCRETE I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE, DUN”. If any1 comes up 2 you and sayz something complimentary like “Hey, that’s a pretty nice spot”, jus be like “NO, YA WRONG, YOU BIMPERT”  an slap dem in de face. If executid correctly, passerbys will B successsfully convinced dat ur spot isnt worth stealin.

3. Make A Blood Pact With Satan

Dis may sound drastic, but God woneen mind bcuz he undastands how important de Bermuda Day parade is. All u hav 2 do is roll ur eyez into de back of ya skull and chant “Lord Of Darkness, you could come hurr for a hot minute, pliss?” 5 times, den Satan will appear in ya house. When he getz there, give yaboy a vial of ya firstborn’s blood and swear eternal alliegence 2 de Kingdom Of Hell in return for protecting ya parade spot for 1 year. Sure, u will be in debt 2 de metaphysical embodiment of all evil in de universe 4 de rest of ya life and beyond de grave, but it’ll be worth it when ya flexin wif ya Auntie on Front Street wif a perfect view of all d floats.

4. Steal A Bermuda Stone Wall From Government Property In Broad Daylight And Reconstruct It Around Your Spot

Since it’z now perfectly legal to openly steal masonry from any Govermint-owned property wifout consequence, u can esssentially build a fortress around ya parade spot using rare Bermuda stone att no cost! Did I mention dat u wont get in trouble an that anyone who triez to question ur actions will B accusd of creatin a scandal out of nothing even tho u handled de whole situation extremely sketchily from de get-go like u had somethin 2 hide?

5. Illegally Divert The Official Parade Route So That It Passes By Your House And You Don’t Even Need To Reserve A Spot In The First Place

Let’s say u live up St. David’s n cant be bothered to come all d way into tahn n fight wif de crowd 2 get a spot. Just put up a bunch of detour signz startin on front street and leadin all de way 2 de east end by ur house! De people in de parade will be so caught up in de action n excitement dat dey wont even noticed that they’ve walked 12 miles insted of 1, an u can watch de whole thing from de comfort of ya own yard. Oh, an don’t worry about de parade interruptin traffic flow on de way out of tahn: cars/bikes will see de oncoming celebration an will happily drive into wall or over a cliff 2 make way 4 de parade participnts, bcuz EVRYONE luvs a parade, even at their own personal expense!