8 Ways To Make Your #BermudaDay Even Boastier

Hurr R 8 ways to ensure dat u get de most outta yah Bermy Day holiday:

1.  Use Mayonaisse Instead Of Sunscreen

Scientistz at de Norf Pole hav proven dat Hellman’s mayonaisss deflectz harmful UV rays bettah than de average drugstore sunscreen. Make sure 2 dump a restaurant-sized buckett of it pon yuh head b4 u go in de watah, n you’ll be de most sun-protected budmon at de beach (plus ur bredrens can make a semmich if dey need to!).

2.  Use Electrified Barb Wire & IEDs To Reserve Your Parade Spot

Ay buh, what can I say? Guyz get ruthless wheyn it comes 2 savin derr spots. Erry bedren/sistren 4 demselves.

3.  Have An Underwater Picnic

Erry1 haz done de traditional Bermuda Day picnicc wif durr families, but frankly, dry land iz boring n overratted. Wunt 2 do somethin different? Strap a scuba tank 2 ya grenny, ya auntie, ya sister, ya pops, ya mumma and ya nephew Susan while theyy’re sleepin, tie weights 2 their feet,then throw dem in2 de Great Sound wif some potato salad, fried chickn and a blankett.Itz guarinteed 2 be an unforgettabl experience 4 dem, especially yah grenny.

4.  Borrow A Bull From Dunkley’s & Release It At Half-Marathon

Az much as I luv2 watch ppl runnin de half-marathon, um alwayz a little bit boredd by how slow dey go. If de participints had de added motivaytion of a enraged, ornery bull chaysin after dem, it wuld make tings more exciting 4 de audience.

5.  Prepare For “Holiday Messages” By The PLP or OBA

1 of de tings about holidayz in Bermuda is dat de leaderz of both politicl parties R guaranteed 2 release a puff peace sayin how gr8 we are wifout ac2ually sayin ne-thing. It’s tyme 2 focus on more significint issuez, like dis hurr.

6.  Pretend It’s Cup Match

I guarantee dat if u run up n dahn Horseshoe on May 24th blastin a airhorn n yellin “ST. GEORGE’SSS! BRUP BRUP BRUP” at de top of yah lungs, drunk ppl will be so confused dat dey will think theyre hallucinating d wrong date and join you. u can even convinc dem 2 lend u $$$ for Crown And Anchor, den give dem more alcohol so dey forget dey eva payed u in de first place.

7.  Swim In Your Tank Rain Instead Of The Ocean

U know wut’s MUG about de ocean? De fact dat derez SALT in it, dun! Az far as um concerned, salt is for sanwiches, pasta, frozen drivewayz, preservin dried goodz on lonng sea voyages, de rims of margarita glassez and DAT’S IT…Nothing else (exspecially not oceanz). Break d mold by invitin yah bredrens ova for a TANK PARTY AT YUH YARD. First swim of de yurr wif a twist, poppa! Az far as I kno abowt tanks, they hav enuff room 4 a floating DJ and a barge-stylle dance floor, 2. Pure vybes like my uncle Clive.

8.  Drive a BOAT Over A FLOAT

1 of de mowst socially responsible tings u can do 4 our heritttage on May 24th is set up a water-rammp facing Front Streeet, then dryve a Twin-350hp boat up it 2 see if u can clerr 1 of de passin floatz n land on a Gurt cushionn nex 2 Calypso. A beutiful Bermy tradishon since we guyz wurr discovad in 1612.