A Tourist Guide to choosing ah #Cupmatch team

Chingas buh! I hope vhile you lot are reading dis ya in some well AC cuz dat humidity out durr wha have you looking like Don king armpits buh; um tellin you!

But ya anyvays, Welcome to Cupmatch season whurr friends and family don’t matter because ya real family becomes de colours you wear. Das right! If ya bredrin, mama bra or sis is fa de opposing team you have full rights to suck ya teef, cut ya eyes and arc out at em. And if yah some byes mama and they on de wrong team, she’s quite awrite to feed dem spam until after Cupmatch – Truss, nowun gon call Sheliegh Coopah and if ya gotta go see Archiebald in court, make sure you know aceboys team before making ya case – sers tip don!

Cupmatch Season is like Crissmus holidee to Portuguese buh…. Err’body gets in de spirit and err’body gets full fullish! Friends become temporary enemies, pics start surfacing pon social media, Swizzle goes into mass production and een dem old hammas dat sit in de barbahshop all day reading de same morning paper start to clash. So if ya an expat or tourist reading this, dun worry, no body gonna slash ya rental tires, give you wrong directions or mush up ya eggs from Lindo’s cuz she ank dat sers, but wha is sers is de team you pick so hurr’s  4 tips on getting into de Cupmatch spurit.

1. Start ah Survey

Nah, hurr me out cuz dis is an very important first step that could eventually save ya life when you end up passing out at nonmariners tryna keep up vif us Bermewjans. Take a lil survey at work and shru ya friends but ya gotta be slick cuz you caunt let guys realize ya tryna pick a Cupmatch team. Why? Cuz we lot wa end up talking ya ears off on why our team de best. So survey ya job, and friends , dass numba 1

2. Wear Ya Colours

Ahhhhnnn curr if ya onna rental, on de pink and blue or runnin de rubber outta ya flip flops – whatever ya wurring better have some ribbons tied to it. Shes all about marking ya territory buh. Cuz umma tell you, you don’t want de awkwardness of tryna axplain why you ank picked a team yet… especially if ya at de game. (Pro Tip: Knowing ya team might get you free drinks) So get one of dem flags,  get some ribbons from ya aceboys grenny or gank somedin from de hotel display and run it

3. Stay Committed

So hurr you are understanding why ya picked ya team and ya prolly wearing dem $15 ribbons sold at de gas stations to rep ya colours. NO MATTA WHA! Ya gotta stay committed to ya team. Nobody likes a Weyne Furbit, I mean, flip flopper. Regardless if you get stuck in a group of de opposite team fans and dem byes are chanting you, ya gotta take ya lix buh… errone does

4. Become One vif de Bermewjan

I love Bermudian holidays! Nothing matters but having some wholesome fun and meeting new characters, but een more so cuz nothing excites us Bermewjans more finding out ya not from hurr and dis is ya first time experiencing de holiday – why? Because we lot wanna get you full hot vif us and enjoy it. So don’t be shy to get in vif de locals, get into de game, play some Crown & Anchor, try and get on a raft up or wine up some fine ding you see (Pro tip: make sure they ank checkin no one) and just have some fun regardless if you wake up on de following Monday sunburnt wondering wha de fack happened…..

May de Swizzle be with you