Clafe: Credit Card Thief & Budget Suggestions

So YAH,

As a pure-lee logical thinkr, um not usually 1 to buy in2 conspircy theories (excep de 1 about Queen Elizabeth secretly writin “REAL BADMAN BUN FIYAH” on de surface of de moon wif a giant lazer, cuz dats true), BUT somefin caught my eye in de news dis past week dat made me go in2 detectiv mode regardin sum old theft casez….

So u might have herd about de bredren who recently admitted 2 goin on a GIRT shoppin spree usin PURE stolin credit carrds. Chaboy stole a lot a differnt stuff includin jewellry, gas, musicc n liquor. I dineen tink much of it at ferst, but DEYN when i read dat he had also admitted to steelin FOOD from d grocery store, I startd 2 make sum connecshins in my mind n realized dat not erryting wuz as it seemed. Check deez eerily simlar headlinez from de past couple yurrs:

- 2012: Man Pleads Not Guilty To Stealing $2 Sausage

- 2013: Man Admits Stealing Three Hams From Lindos

- 2013: Man Admits Stealin $149 Worth Of Steak

Notice anyting? Wut we hav hurr, ppl, is a obviosly a SHAPESHIFTING MEAT THIEF who happns 2 B sexully aroused by steelin incremental amounts of beef/pork/chickn from local merchints. I kno its hard 2 believ and dat d truth hurtz, but if u connect d dots u’ll C dat derez NO WAY um wrong!!! U c, I did sum investigatin, n it turns out dat dis guy wuz born wif de ability 2 take any physicl form he wunts (simlar 2 my ace girl Mystique in de X-men flims) due 2 d fact dat his mumma drank a mango & nucleer waste smoothee 4 brekfast erry mornin when she wuz pregnint wif him (doctor’s ordahs). NE WAYZ, he later developd a addicshin 2 meat thievery due 2 de fact dat his first seriouss girlfrend wuz a membr of PETA who used 2 gank PURE steaks from locl butchers, bring dem home, stack dem in a pile, den have sex wif him on top of de pile to spite de meat industry as a form of peeceful protest. Understandbly, his brain startd 2 make a psychological connecshin B-tween sex n meat, n it develped into a wave of crime in his latr yurrs after his PETA girl dumpd him 4 a bredren named Prunky who ate hiz own toenails 4 sustinence.

D reeson dis brazen meat MUGger haz nevah been caught is bcuz he changes hiz physicl form erry time he goes 2 court n d policce hav no idea: as soon as he’z convicted of a given crime, he asks de judge “MAAAAH Go de bafroom, dun!”, pretends to drop a piss, den comes out of de stall lookin like a compleetly diffrent person n d policce jus think he escapd!!!! Wif dis latest developmnt, he tried 2 throw me de trail off by steelin a buncha OTHA stuff as well as meat 2 covah his tracks, but i know a fishy sichuation when i C 1, n this, my friendz, is fishy like my boy Richie (who happns 2 be a sentient fish as well as a tax accountant & a budmon).

SO IN OTHA NEWS, um finally had a chancce 2 go ova de new budget wif a bermp-tooth comb, n um got 2 say dat im gravely disapointed wif wut d OBA haz put on d table. I mean, sure, dey’re tryna reduce d deficit n all dat medness, but d final produc lackedd d creyative solushins necessery 2 RLLY turn d econmy around n get Bermudians back 2 work. herez r sum ideas I wuld’ve proposed if I wuz d one writin d budget:

1) An Across-The-Board 12% “Grenny Name Tax” On All Citizens & Businesses

Liyke my aunty Bacteria-Boat used 2 say “Grennies with boasty names are the cornerstone of Bermuda’s economy, Clafe”. Echoing her sentimnt, I 4 one believe dat grennies r de future of dis gr8 nation, n dat investing in deym guaranteez long-termm solvency. Yes, it wuld meen higher taxes 4 d average citizen, but at GR8 REWARD. Think abowt it…erryone knows dat weyn tourists r decidin which destinaytion 2 go 2, d MOST IMPORTINT CRITERIA affectin deir decision is the amoount of boastily-named grennies within d givn locayshin. Every Myrtle, Gertrude, Prudence, Laverne, Mildred, Bertha, Fannie, Edith, Bessie etc. who livez on d islandd direcly translates to $4,000,000 in tourism dollaz accordin to an independnt study performd by The Economist. De tax money culd b used 2 speerhead awareness campaynes aimed at convincin motherz to name deir newborn children somefin from de 1930s, wif sloganz along de lines of “Invest In Your Future Grenny Today”. We culd also aim anotha campayne at current grennies who have mug namez n incentivize deym to change them.  I can picture de bilboard on Eest Broadway now: “AY SUSAN, ya name’s boring…change it, dun!” Simpl economicks, ppl.

2) Place A “Mugness Jar” In The House Of Assembly And Enforce Its Use

Simlar 2 de concep of a “swear jar”, a mugness jar encouragez ppl not to engage in dopeyness by makin deym put money in a jar erry time dey do/say somefin MUG. We culd set d penalty at $500 per instince of mugness, n hire a speshal enforcr whose sole job wuld be to walk around de HoA n force each offendr 2 pay up. if NE MPs refuse 2 pay, dis enforcr wuld be givn speshal permision 2 tickle deym relentlesly until d money fell outta deir pockets. At d rate wurr currently goin, d deficit wuld litrally b paid off within a yurr. Cayse closd.

3) Attach A 7,000,000 Horsepower Outboard Engine To The Island To Become The World’s First Nation/Boat Hybrid

Of all my proposd solushins, dis one wuld be d easiest 2 implement. All we bies hav 2 do is get like 400,000 tonz of TNT, attach it 2 our underlyin reef system, BLOW IT UP so d island gets detachd from d volvano n starts driftin, call Evinrude n be like “maaaaaaaaaahhhhh a 7,000,000 HP engine, poppa!”, wait 4 deym to invent it, get it transportd here via 26 Chinook helicoptrs, atach it 2 St. David’s (sorry, guyz), n den start DINGIN around d world n go werever we wunt 2! So many moneymakin possibilities: We culd charge ppl for ridez, ship goodz B-tween nations, compeet in racing tournamnts deyn win by default 4 bein d only competiter in our class (Nation/Boat Hybrid), explor d arctic 4 scientifc reserch purposes…de oppor2nuties R endless!

WAKE UP, PPL!

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