Clafe EXCLUSIVE!: Cannabis Activist Sells Out, Joins Former Opponents

CANNABIS ACTIVIST SELLS OUT, JOINS FORMER OPPONENTS.

[Hamilton, Bermuda]  —  Shocking bredrens islandwide, formerly outspoken ganja reform activist Alan Gordon announced today that he will stop hammering de One Bermuda Alliance over cannabis, havin been hooked up wif a consultant’s job promoting pharmaceutical-grade THC products at England’s GW Pharma corporation.

Gordon says yaboy’s now seen de light, and will “show racial loyalty with the island’s rulers”, no longer supporting cannabis reform “unless it tightens, rather than loosens”, restrictions on de plant’s use.

“The way forward is clearly the design and sale of synthetic cannabis analogs of cannabis  — medicine without medicine. This will allow companies like GW to pay for research with valuable patent drug sales, and ensure that those who work to fight cancer will never be out of work” says Gordon. 

De former activist is abandoning yaboy’s previous position dat “severe statistical racism in Bermuda’s cannabis law enforcement meant the ban needs to come to an end.”  Says Gordon:

“I finally came around to realize that my new GW colleague and anti-cannabis crusader Dr Andrea Barthwell, who is Black, was right   —  sometimes, the best thing you can  do to help Black people is lock them up at vastly disproportionate rates for a victimless statutory offence that Whites commit with more or less equal frequency  — it’s the only way to protect everyone”. 

Gordon says de best way 2 address the racial disparity in enforcement is to imprison more white people.

“It really is for their own good,” he sez, “because it gives them the best chance to grow and develop, with lots of scholastic, recreational, and social opportunities.”

De former activist says he’s excited to participate in GW experiments with electro-shock aversion therapy to help cannabis addicts in England.

“British 220-volt wiring seems to work better on Marijuana Fiends than the 110 we use here”, says Gordon, “so we can finally make some real progress.”

Gordon says de only drawback he’s seen so far to his political shift is dat yaboy’s insurance company unexpectedly dropped assault coverage from his life and health policies after hearing of his English research plans.