Clafe's Best Of Bermuda Award Interview

Having just won The Bermudian Magazine's Best Of Bermuda Award for "Best Bermuda Character", Clafe sat down with us at Bermemes to discuss all things Bermudian.

ABOUT CLAFE

BM: So, like, in ya words, who exactly is Safe Clafe?

CLAFE: Um a safe who iz safe. Two deengs um not are Mug an Tired. Um actually very simila 2 a normal human being, except 4 de fact dat um a sentient, anthropomorphic safe who terrifies childrenn.

BM: When not writing about Dunkley, or poetry about Ganja tea, wha does Clafe do?

CLAFE: In my dahn time I like 2 fight tirelesssly 4 social justice while playin Pin-De-Tail-On-De-Granny wif my Auntie Fruit-Prunga (and sumtimes my Uncle Ding-Dong). Some ppl hava a hard time believin I can multi-task like dat, but um boasty as chooks, and can do like 5,000 deengs at once. D only deeng I can’t do iz not do anydeeng.

LIVING ON DE ROCK

BM: What parish yah from? Whooze ya peeple? whaz yah family lass name?

CLAFE: Um from a secret 10th parish calld Fackbuhmpton dats only like 3 square ft. in termz of landmass, but haz a populaytion of 3,000, so peeple hav 2 stand on each others’ headz all de time. My family’z lass name is Gibburrowsbridge an my peeple are Ace Bunion, Flumpy, Wriggles, Lunch-Boat, Steve, Horse Gyal, Lugnut, Beef-Crystal & Susan. All us guyz go way back 2 when we wurr youts.

BM: Clafe's Favorite things about Bermy?

CLAFE: Sewage ballz, Moongatez, Jetgates, eatin a fish sanwich upside-down wif a ballgag in my mouf, swimmin in garbage @ Tyne’s Bay, drinkin saltwater, prank-callin de Acute Curr Wing, breakin in 2 Dunkley’s house n eatin his food, goin Spittal Pond and finaly, makin fish chowder outta battery acid.

BM: Best advice you ever gotten from a Bermudian and who?

CLAFE: “Don’t trust me in any capacity, no matter what I say or do” - Michael Dunkley. He wuz right, buh!

BM: Muggest ding dats ever happened to you on de rock?

CLAFE: 1 time I fell ova an stubbed my toe on a Grenny. It hurt so much dat I started 2 cry in fronta erryone on Front Street. I said “BOO-HOO, DUN. MY NAME IS CLAFE AN I STUBBED MY DOPEY TOE”. PPL around me wurr laughin n takin pictures, n sayin mean things like “YOU’RE MUG AND SO IS YA TOE” and “HAHA IT MAKES ME HAPPY THAT YOU STUBBED YA TOE”. It wuz so emotionlly scarring dat I had 2 endure yurrs of psychotherapy.

BM: Of course we have to axe….. so who’s yah cupmatch team?

CLAFE: St. George’s 1000%. De only guyz who cheer 4 somerset are mug peeple, sociopaffs, ISIS and just terribl human beings in genral.

BERMUNCHIES

BM: Wha do you order from ice queen at 3am?

CLAFE: I ordr a large cup of scaldin hot grease from de deep fryer, deyn I add 3 scooops of expired mayonnaise n drink it thru a straw made outta used band-aidz. Yum!

BM: Favourite Snowball flavour?

CLAFE: Jus plain ice, buh. Um a purist. Mayb a tiny bit a hot sauce, but only if um feelin frisky.

BM: Barrit’s Gingerbeer or Goslings gingerbeer?

CLAFE: Barritts, of course. De original or noffin.

On Checkin’ Somewun

BM: Is safe clafe checking anyone?

CLAFE: Ya, dun! um checkin dis SAXY expat chicken naymed Ploochunka. Shuss from some next Eastern Bloc country called liyke Slovenia or Slovakia or somefin. Wheyn she kisses me, I feel like a boasty grenny jus baked me a Safeberry pie. We guyz r gettin marriedd in outter space.

BM: Wha’s de bess “dub” ya ever ran?

CLAFE: “Ay girl, u smell like cheese. Let’s go on a date, poppa.”

BM: Whurr’s de best place to “link up” wif a ding?

CLAFE: In de HoA durin a parliamentry debate. It’s such a turnon listenin to biez talk about financial regulationn when ya about 2 get some tail.

BM: Any dating advice you wanna give some bie tryna find dem a ding in bermy?

CLAFE: Yah. Just be yaself. Unless ya mug. Then be sum1 who isn’t mug. If u don’t know any1 who isn’t mug, get a lobotomy 2 remove d mugness lobe from ya brain. If dat still don’t work, gimme a call an I’ll take ace girl off ya hands 4 you (but don’t tell Ploochunka! Safe? SAFE.)