OBA Origin Stories: Part I

So YAH,

Lass week, I broke into de OBA headquarters wif a crowbar n a ski mask 2 get to the bottom of Y so many of their politicianz say/do thingz that make PPL angry. Thurr office has a tiataynium Safe in de back room containing all thurr sensitive materialz, n since I *am* a safe myself, i wuz able to charm my way inside of it (sexy gyal named Safe-quanda). What i found wuz a trove of documentz explainin de backstories of ALL de OBA politicians. I will now shurr sum of these findings wif you:

1) Grichael Prunkley – Deputy Premier & Public Safety Minister

When Grichael Prunkley wuz a baby, his very first wordz were “Mah have a dairy empire, Mama!”. When hiz mama told him “not until you’re older, Grichael”, he became VEXED! “Why I can’t have a dairy empire NOW, mama?” he screamd. “Because you’re an 11-month old baby and there are child labour laws, Grichael”, she replyed. Prunkley wuz so upset dat he stormed out of de house n crawled dahn to Middle Road, whurr a truck fulll of radioactive goat’s milk happend to be crashin into a nearbyy telephone pole at de time. Yaboy got COVERED IN GOATZ MILK n developd a superpower dat instantlyy turned him in2 a wealthy middle-aged politishan wif hiz own dairy. He iz currently only 3 yurrs old.

2) Maig Mannonier – Premier

When Premier Maig Mannonier wuz a yout, hiz Mama had a phobia of flying an wuldn’t let him get on N.E. airplanes, helicoppters, blimpz or jets for de first 5 yurrs of his life. When yaboy turnd 5, however, she reluctantlee let him go on hiz first solo plane ride 2 visit his Grenny in Siberia. As de flight wuz crossin over London, England, de left enginne started 2 malfunction n de JET fell outta de sky, crashing direcly in2 the GATE of Buckingham Palacce. Luckilly, no one died bcuz ace girll Queen Elizabeth II happend 2 be standing behind de gate at de time and acted az a human airbagg. Ever since dat horrific accident, Mannonier haz bin psychologiclly drawn 2 various combinationz of “Jets” and “Gates” (both figurativ and literal). 4 Example, 1 time when he was 18, yaboy fell in2 a trance n gave a copy of Jet Magazine to Bill Gates for no reazon. So basiclly, when he wuz offerd a ride on a private JET, he realizd dat he if he did somefin corrupt, ppl would automaticly attach a “-GATE” suffix 2 de scandal. He culdn’t resist and now we R whurr we R today.

3) Glant Glibbons – Minister Of Education & Business Development

As a yout, Glant Glibbons hated goin 2 skewl. In Primary Skewl, de teachers were mean 2 him n wuld throw fishcakes at hiz face. De kids on de playground wuld tease him and call him namez like “Secret Plan”, “Naval Base Boy” and “Satellite Slot”. In Middle Skewl, one of hiz classroomz collapsed on hiz head n causd a concushin dat put him inn a coma. 2 add insultt 2 injurey, yaboy even got attackd by a skewl of West Indian Mugfish durin a class trip 2 Admiralty Howse. After a liyfetime of traumatic memoriez regardin anything 2 do wif skewl, yaboy hatched de ultimate diabolicall plan: Become Education Minister an systematiclly cut funding 2 errything, starting wif Further Education Grants, so dat no one wuld ever hav 2 endure de suffering dat he did.