safe Clafe: Tappin’ Phones, F-Bombs & Secret Recordings

So YAH,

Unless u bin livin unda some mug rock at ya auntie’s yard 4 di last week, yule notice dat Bermy is currently in d midst of one a de dopeyest politicl scandals in recint memory. D accusashins hav been flyin fastr deyn my uncle Yeast-Thighs at a 4-Wayz brunch, n tenshins are high as my boy Gullible-Tolerance weyn he buns a cannon of hi-grayde nutmeg. Som fun hilites:

1) Deputee Premier Grichael Prunkley droppin pure f-bombz in de HoA

2) PLP MP Grayvid Flirt doublin dahn on hyperbolic gravez n poorhousez 4 seeminly no reason

3) OBA MP Dandy Powderfridge recordin otha politicins wif her phone unda mug pretensez

4) Opposishin Leeder Shark Spleen channelin d paranoyd ghost of Richard Nixon crossd wif d NSA

AS USHUAL, howeva, deres more to dis week of scandal dat meets d eye, n d Mugstream Media is fayling 2 accurtly report it. Um now goin 2 adress deez 4 pointz n tell u wut RLLY happend in each instinse:

1) Grichael Prunkley Droppin F-Bombz

“Carling, Jim Prawn, and Mindy Prawn, were talking to ZBM on camera for about ten minutes…

…and I thought to myself, ‘what a waste of f****** film.”

Dis wuz a compleet misunderstanin, dun! Prunkley wuz actually expressin 2 seperate thoghts dat were in such close sucession 2 each otha, erryone who heard d hansard wuz unda d false beleef dat d f-bomb wuz in direct refrence to Carling n de Prawns. In d first sentens, he wuz simply acknowleging d fact dat deez 3 ppl had been talkin 2 ZBM on camera, deyn in 2 nanoseconds, yaboy ducked over 2 de corner of d HoA to secritly record a dirty south rap track he’ bin workin on 4 monthz, but wuz 2 embarassd 2 tell ne1 about. I managd 2 get a bootleg copy of hiz track, n d verse in queschin goez as followz:

“and I thought to myself, what a waste of f****** film,

Prunkley burnin hot, like a fire in the kiln,

Suckaz try to test me, but my words are f****** ill,

Take an “m”, replace the “k”, my dairy’s sellin’ MILM”

As u can c, “Hot Lyrical Fiyah” is a grose undastatement, n its unfortunite (but undastandabl) dat people are accidentily framin it in d wrong contex.

2) Grayvid Flirt Chattin’ Bout Grayves N Pooorhouses

Ppl aren’t taking MP Flirt’s words at deir face value. When yaboy said:

“I will go to my grave and/or the poorhouse to defend my right to speak truth to the country of my birth and to the constituents I represent.”

He wuz meanin 4 ppl to take him literally bcuz he has a ghost bredren named Floopy at a unmarkd grave dahn St. John’s cemetary who he frequintly consultz 4 legal advice. As for de “poorhouse” comment, he was simply statin dat in d event Floopy wuz out flexin wif his otha ghost bredrens n culdn’t give him advice, his 2nd option wuld be 2 visit his otha bredren who jus so happenz 2 be a sentient house up Devinshire dat doesn’t have ne money. Case closd.

3) Dandy Powderfridge Recordin A Privite Conversashin Wif Shark Spleen

Mrs. Powderfridge alleges dat Shark Spleen sayd “many disgusting and disturbing things” durin d privat conversashin she recordid wif her phone, but ppl are readin 2 much into it. I happend to get a copy of d recordin, n all he said wuz:

“Ay girl, I like it when people have crusty toenails, and I think that infectious bacteria is the wickedest thing since sliced bread.”

Literllay disgustin? Maybe. Figurativly? Not-een close, so Mrs. Powderfridge needz 2 stop makin off 2 d media wif nonsense bout how “if heard, the people of Bermuda would see (these words) in a poor light.”…only mug sqeemish ppl wuld b offended by ppl who big-up crusty toenailz n bacteria.

4) Shark Spleen’s Viewz On Tappd Phonez

In anotha case of semantics gon rong, Shark Spleen sayd…

“Of course. I am certain my phone is tapped anyway. So that’s no big thing, most politicians, especially on my side of the fence, we know our phones are probably tapped.”

…and ppl thought he meant his fone convasashins wurr bein recorded, wheyn all he was tryin to do wuz publiclee come to termz wif de fact dat his celll fone has an alcohol problem, and dat de epidemic is widespredd thruout de Parlament. U c, all phonez are sentient (like de Poorhouse) an dey understandbly r unda a lot of stress due 2 all de madness in de HoA, oftin turnin 2 alcohol 2 deal wif deir daily lives. iPhones have a higha propensitee towardz alcoholism deyn Androids n blackberriez, but every fone iz at risk, n ppl need to be more sensitiv towardz did largely unknown plight.

Remember, ppl, use ur capacitee 4 criticl analysis when deconstructin politicl scandals…Clafe cant alwayz be hurr 4 u…..