Safe Clafe: Top 5 Bermudian Grennies You’ve Never Heard Of

So YAH,

1 ting um noticd recently is dat guyz (& gyal dem) on de internet luv LISTS, buh. I can defintly C de appeal: Y focus on 1 issue of substanc weyn u can focus on 26 inanely stoopid tings dat hav litrally noffin 2 do wif each otha, but R categorizd in suchh a way dat makes dem seem intellegint? Like my bedren Albert Einstein used 2 say: “I know not with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but short attention spans are boasty as chooks”. Hurrs my list of 5 of de boastiest Bermudian grennies you’v NEVAH herd of:

1. Prune-Gruntha “Eel Paste” Outerbridge

If youve nevah heard of my ace girl Prune-Gruntha, U R ignorant 2 a key moment in Bermy history whurr she savd d island from widespred terror n violenc. 1 day in 1976, Prune-Gruntha wuz flexin pon d dock at Admiralty Hous greazin on a feral chickn weyn all of a suddn this GIRT eel (liyke 4,000 ft. longg) yukked itself outta de water n plopped right dahn next to her. She wuz like “Sayin, eel?” n de eel wuz like “Noffin much dun, excep dat im malicious n wunt 2 eat erry single person in bermy deyn digest deym slowley n painfully”. Prune-Gruntha kept her kool n wuz like “dat’s an intresting life choice, u mug eel. Its safe if I go say gudbye 2 my family first?” n de eel wuz like “YAH.” NE Wayz, she returnd 2 admiralty wif a giganttic household blendr n said 2 de eel “Ay poppa, de ppl of bermy wunt to give u dis 2 blendr 2 say ‘thank you’ 4 eatin us n puttin us outta R misery. Wunt 2 take a closr loook at it?” D eel, bein dopey as fux, wuz like “SAFE” n put his stoopid eel head in2 d blender…sure enuff, Prune-Gruntha turnd it on 2 de “puree” setting n d eel wuz quikly liquified. She livd out d rest a her life sellin eel productts (mostly condoms n smoothees), n is a nashonal hero.

2. Myrt-Trude Burrows

Myrt-Trude Burrows wuz bermuda’z originl scientific pioneer weyn it came 2 findin solushins 2 de horible injustice of bein forcd 2 live wif a mug nayme. Born simplee “Myrtle Burrows”, she had alwayz HATED her nayme, but at de time, modrn scienc hadnt yet reeched d point where u culd cross-pollenate names 2 breed hybridz. Determind 2 change dis, she obtayned a masterz in genetics from Stanford Universitee n experimentd wif sevral biologicl strains of givn names (mainly frum de Prudence genus). Even2ually, she discovred that “Myrtle” is a 99.7% genetic matchh 4 “Gertrude”, n dat you culd safely cross-breed deym to create “Myrt-Trude”. D rest is history!

3. Fork-Shaldra VanPutten

De Hon. Fork-Shaldra VanPutten JP MP (Warwick Southwest East North Central 1972-’74) wuz famouus 4 promotin d bold concep dat screamin profanitees at de moon whiyle hittin yaself in de head wif a claw hammer can cure mosst forms of diseaz. Afta careful scientifc reserch, she determind dat if u stare direcly at a de moon while callin it a “dopey bimpert” and bashin in ya own skull in for 14 hourz strait, it can ac2ually shrink malignint tumorz, improov cognitiv function n eradicayte toenail fungus (amongs pure otha tings). When de Bermuda Hospitals Board tried 2 silenc her bravery by spreadin de BOLD-FACED LIE that “Self-inflicted high-impact blows to the head are counterproductive to one’s general health”, she stood up 4 wut wuz right n startd a handz-on educational campayne 2 dispel d propaganda, goin door 2 door n demonstratin d healin power of bein bashed in d head wif hammerz. Unfor2nately, sum of de ppl she visitd closed-mindedly viewed wut she wuz doin as “assault”, n she wuz thrown in jail unda false pretensis, wurr she still remainz a unsung champeeon of medicl justice 2 dis day.

4. Composite Grenny 32XLE (Beta)

in 1982, a covert branch of de bermy govermint called G.R.E.N.N.I.E.S. (Geriatric Rejuvenation Embedding New Nanotechnologies In Every Senior) wuz formd to adress d imminint threat dat d Soviet Union pozed 2 Bermuda’z grenny populashin. Recognizin dat Grennies r d cornerstone of our economy & soshal fabric, G.R.E.N.N.I.E.S.’ sole job wuz 2 harvest d best qualitees/traits from Bermy’s boastiest grennies (via nanoteknology) n create a composit android grenny 2 defend bermy from wut wuz then known az de Red Scourge. Equiped wif shoulder-mountid rockit proppeled grennade launcherz, knitting needlez, hi-powerd .45-caliburr masheen guns, a retractible cane/walker, infrared imagingg teknology, heart medication n de ability 2 fly up to 5 miles in d air at d speeed of sound, Composite Grenny 32XLE (Beta) wuz bermy’s first Grenny-Based superweppon, n she still secretly patrolz our skiez 2 dis day.

5.  Celleesha “Mitosis” Ingham           

If noffin else, Cellesha Ingham iz a noteworthy grenny by natur of her perseveerence in d face of adversity. Born in 1931 wif a rare medicl condishin dat stoppd her from ever phsysically developin past bein a single-celld organism, she spent d entirrety of her life havin 2 be viewd under a microscop if she eva wunted 2 talk to/flex wif/make luv 2 any1. Ppl wuld alwayz accidently step on her bcuz dey culdn’t see her, n due 2 her afflicshin, she wuz held bak from eva bein able 2 participayte in erryday acts dat we take 4 granted (drivin, bowling, bein a shotta etc.). At age 43 she discoverd her purpos in life weyn d Bermy Health Departmint hired her 2 go inside of sick peeples’ bodies (like d magic skewl bus) n physicly beat d livin jooks out of wutever diseaze de patient happnd to have. Unfortunitly she wuz fired 3 yurrs later for havin a pashionate love affair wif an exotic strain of d ebola virus (which wuz against compny policy in d first playce) dat she had develped feelingz 4 durin 1 of her jobz. D story haz a happy endin doe, bcuz Celleesha eventully settld down wif a tantric sex experrt named Magoo (who hayd a nucleus fetish) n made carnal, unhingd luv 2 him evry night 4 d rest of her life.