5 New Species Recently Discovered In Bermuda

So YAH,

I kno that I tend 2 focus mostly on politicks, but dis week I wunt 2 switch gurrs n talk bout somefin nurr n durr 2 my heart: wildlife presevation. U c, I wuz recently explorin Bermy on a unicycle and I discovad 5 new species ALL BY MYYSELF, DUN! I will naw describe each 1 of these beutiful creatures 2 de best of my ability:

1.  East Harrington Grenny Toad (bufo avia)

Dis majestic toad iz basiclly like any otha toad, except 4 it’s distinct grenny-like traits. Insted of sayin “ribbit”, it sez “futurecare”. insted of crossin de road n gettin run ova, it stays at home n watchez Young N De Restless. Insted of spawning wif otha toads, it rejects sexuality az evil n promotes toad abstinenc az a 7th Day Adventist. Dey can be found flexin unda various nursin homez in Hamilton Parish.

2.  Airhorn Skink (lacerta clario)

Dis mug lizard iz a dangerous predator that preyz on loud outdoor party enviroments whurr there R a lot of drunk ppl. Wif a diet consistin entirely of human beingz, de airhorn skink hidez in de bushez nurr parties and emits a natural noise dat soundz exactly like 14 consecutive airhorns followed by a DJ sayin “Pulllllllllll up”. When de prey walks ova 2 de bush 2 check out wut sounds like a boasty selectah riddim, de airhorn skink sez “UMMA EAT YOU, POPPA”, then swallows dem whole. Basiclly, if u ever hear “BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP PULLLLLLL UPPPPPP!”, u best run away, dun!

3.  Belco Bird (avis electricus)

Until recintly, molecular biollogists believed dat de Belco Bird wuz just a bredren dressd up in a mascot costume 2 promot d safe use of elactricity 2 children. However, a recint study shows dat it’s actually a real bird Belco haz been keepin in captivity since 1976! De reason he alwayz looks so happy is bcuz Belco injects hiz face with botox before erry public event, but underneath he iz malnourished, sickly n dying. If u have NE information about whurr Belco hides him at nite or wunt 2 reunite him wif his family in Galapagos Islands, plea-yass emailThis email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

4.  Fishlion (leo pisces)

Essentilly de polar opposite of a lionfish, dis iz an unatttractive speciez of jungle cat dat awkwardly wanderz Bermy wif de head of a fish, but de body of a lion. An abominattion of nayture, de fishlion’s primary defense mechanizm is de fact that it’s so chookin ugly, no 1 wunts to hunt or eat it. Dey can be found in nayture crying unda various limestone formations at how rejjected dey feel, and shuld B avoided at all costs.

5.  Dunkleysaurus (dinosaurus lac)

Dis rare n elusive creature haz only bin seen in de wild a handful of timez, but makez a large impact on Bermy’s ecosystem. Wif a diet consistin solely of belugga caviar and expendible politishans, de Dunkleysaurus’ digestive system direcly converts scandal into caloriez 4 sustinence. It’z primary defens mechanizm is 2 tell attackerz dat they are a “waste of f$%#&ng predation.”