Safe Clafe: Premier Jetlife

So YAH,

4giv me if um not actin like mysalf dis week…um jus bin so sad at how erry1 is vexd at de OBA all d time. Simlar 2 how i LUV it wen my grenny playz mini-golf wif my eyeballz , i LUV d Govermint no mattr which partyz in powah: I luved d PLP 4 foreteen yerrs n i luv d OBA now. I persnally think guyz shuld blindly support d governmint no matta who dey R or wut dey say, bcuz DEYRE ALWAYZ RIGHT, DUN! Sho me an Xample of ANY govermint thru-out d histery of de world dat’s eva done ANYTING wrong, n ill giyou like FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE dollaz, dun. NE WAYZ, dis week in d news dere were 2 situatons whurr i thought guyz were unfurrly jumpn 2 conclooshins about d OBA’z decisions. Hurr me out:

So ppl r actin irashional bout d Premier publically defendin all d boasty trips chaboy’s bin takin ova d last yerr. Ppl say itsWASTEFUL, ppl say its MUG, ppl say its DOPEY, ppl say chaboy’s MILKIN his posishon, ppl say “AY Maig Mannonier, how com u get 2 go 2 boasty destinatons all ova d world on d taxpayaz dime n i caneen afford an elactric toothbrush 4 my Uncle Susan!” Well, doze ppl criticizin dont realiz de BRILLIANT econmic recuvery plan dats goin on behind d scenz as a result of him takin all deez trips. Herez a leakd copy of chaboy’s offishal plan (writtn in January 2013) takn directly from d offce of d premier:

1) Become friends with rich international bredrens (billionaires or higher) who are safe, but have zero intention of ever investing in Bermuda

2) Waste as much Government money as humanly possible on each trip, ensuring that each and every expenditure is lavish and pointless

3) Grow closer with said international bredrens, achieve “best friend” status with each, pamper them continually

4) Completely drain the executive travel budget, then use the budgets of other Ministries to fund further trips to revisit your new best friends, justify to public via lying

5) Repeat step 4 until every single Government department is utterly broke

6) Get exiled from Bermuda for being sociopathically irresponsible with Government coffers

7) Crash at one of your new rich best friends’ yards (due to exile)

8) Get new rich best friend to help bail out Bermuda because of how much money you wasted wining and dining him, prey on the compassion and sense of philanthropy that all billionaires without exception have as character traits

9) Repeat step 8 until all new best friend-billionaires have been milked of no less that $3.6 billion each

10) Return to Bermuda a hero with enough capital for a massive budget surplus, project humility while people forgive you

As u can C, derez method 2 Maig Mannonier’s medness. Sure, it SEEMZ like he’z takin advantige of his posishon 2 live a jetset life n laff in d face of d increesingly uneMployed electorate, but wen u dig a littl deepr, below d surface, u’ll C that its part of BOASTY long-term stratagee dat culdn’t possibly fail.

Um um YAH, now um got 2 chime in on d gamblin debate bCuz my boy Egg-Disease tol me dat de OBA had a tahn hall meetin lass nite 2 gage public sentimint on how ca$ino liecensing is goin 2 play out once gamin is leegal. Afta watchin d 2-hour reeplay of d event, all I kan say is WOW, dem bies r transparent n honist! b4 he gave his speech, Toorism n Transport minista Prawn Chockwell even handid out a informatve brochure 2 erryone titled “Why We’re Doing This Whether You F%#&ing Like It Or Not”, wif helpful bullit points like:

• We Run Shit Now, So Shut The Hell Up

• Go Cry To Your Grenny If You Don’t Like It

• You’re The Chumps Who Believed Us When We Said We’d Hold A Gaming Referendum, Hence You Should Be Angrier At Yourselves Than With Us

• F%&# You

Afta he handid out de broshure, Prawn Chockwell walked up 2 de mic 2 address d crowd, n the first ting he said wuz “NO APOLOGIES BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP BERMP”, deyn he blastd an airhorn in de audienc’s face 463 timez 2 calm dem down. After dat, he gayve de crowd d middl finger for 7 minutes str8, laughd like a crazed mayniac 4 d next 10 minutes, deyn adressed queriez from d audienc. Overall, it wuz a very robust n insightfl speech dat rlly cleared up sum unaswered queschins.

NE WAYZ, Jus talkin about dis stuff makes me wunt 2 cry bcuz of how much undeservd flak d OBA is takin from guyz who jus dont undastand how govermint werks. I rlly wish ppl liked deym more, so i wrote d followin poem:

De OBA is way 2 safe,

n none of deym r mug,

n surely as my name is Clafe,

i wuld give deym a hug.

When guyz are mean 2 OBA,

it maykes me very sad,

i cry about it ev’ry day,

2 both my mum n Dad.

D Chockwells n d Mannoniers,

de Prunkleys n d Skotts,

dey frequintly bring me 2 tears,

cuz i like deym a lot.

So herez d ting u need 2 know,

d point 2 take away:

thru mugness, mysin, sleet or snow,

I luv d OBA*

*sniff snif*  Bye, arryone…

*A plootonic luv, of course